Dolphins not only love rape, they’re really good at it. They have created an open society where instead of having boring office jobs, they have formed groups, each with a specific responsibility, in order to rape as efficiently as possible.
Dolphins prefer to rape in the missionary position because this fully maximizes the thrill of being able to see the shame in their victims eyes. They have also apparently adopted the philosophy that “a hole is a hole,” as they are known to rape humans as well.
Researchers at the Dolphin Research Institute in Boca Raton, Florida have come up with a decoy program where human decoys fitted with a tracking device are thrown into open water. Like an eighteen year old coed getting drunk for the first time at a frat party, the dolphins convince the decoy they “just wanna talk,” and drag their victims to a designated “rape cave.” Based on the feedback from the tracking devices dolphins most likely have a phrase similar to “let’s run a train” in their native tongue. At some point during or post gang bang, the decoy is torn apart. It is not known as to what they do with the remains but I would not be surprised if dolphins figured out how to utilize a skin suit. The scariest part of dolphin rape? They have prehensile boners that can grab you. It’s only a matter of time before they use this wonder of nature to walk on land in search of more victims.
Some ways to take precaution to avoid the embarrassment of becoming a victim of dolphin rape:
Don’t get in the water. Ever.
No matter how fun it sounds, don’t ever accept a ride from a dolphin. “Hold on to my fin, it will be fun” is the oldest trick in the book.
For those of you that still want to get into the water despite the risk, I propose wearing “Team Rape” t-shirts as an effort to thwart and confuse.
If you’re anything like me, the only thing you’ll retain from this is the curiosity of what a dolphin boner looks like. Here’s a picture:
Pandas make terrible lovers. In captivity, the chances of two pandas breeding successfully are slim, so zookeepers have resorted to “panda porn” to get them in the mood. Because watching porn is normally thought of as a human activity, it makes me wonder if the porn pandas watch is just as ridiculous as ours . Do they have the same cheesy titles like, “Big Trouble in Little ‘Gina,” or “Bamboo Bukkake ?”
Does the male panda slap the female panda’s face with his panda dick to turn her on?
Apparently, pandas in the wild are douches. The female panda plays hard to get by climbing up a tree and refuses to come down as an attempt to avoid the inevitable panda pounding she’s about to endure.
Much like the Jersey Shore, four or five male pandas gather around the tree to yell insults at her and grunt at each other. The loudest, most obnoxious panda is the winner, causing the female to come out of the tree where she then boards the bang bus to pound town. After mating, the male panda will claim that the cub isn’t his, and everyone on the block whispers that the baby looks suspiciously like the red panda up the street. The mother is then left to raise the cub alone.
It’s also well known that panda dads almost never pay child support.