Dolla dolla bills, y’aaaallllll…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I may impart some wisdom upon the male gender, no woman will ever look at a picture like this and think you have money.  In fact, I’m tempted to go on a date with this guy and rob him as a matter of principle.  I’d be willing to bet this OG’s entire tax return that he refers to every girl he has ever dated as “My Ride or Die Bitch.”

Dolphin rape cave is not a new attraction at SeaWorld, but it would be an awesome band name…

Dolphins not only love rape, they’re really good at it.  They have created an open society where instead of having boring office jobs, they have formed groups, each with a specific responsibility, in order to rape as efficiently as possible.

Dolphins prefer to rape in the missionary position because this fully maximizes the thrill of being able to see the shame in their victims eyes. They have also apparently adopted the philosophy that “a hole is a hole,” as they are known to rape humans as well.

Researchers at the Dolphin Research Institute in Boca Raton, Florida have come up with a decoy program where human decoys fitted with a tracking device are thrown into open water.  Like an eighteen year old coed getting drunk for the first time at a frat party, the dolphins convince the decoy they “just wanna talk,” and drag their victims to a designated “rape cave.”  Based on the feedback from the tracking devices dolphins most likely have a phrase similar to “let’s run a train” in their native tongue.  At some point during or post gang bang, the decoy is torn apart.  It is not known as to what they do with the remains but I would not be surprised if dolphins figured out how to utilize a skin suit.  The scariest part of dolphin rape?  They have prehensile boners that can grab you.  It’s only a matter of time before they use this wonder of nature to walk on land in search of more victims.

Some ways to take precaution to avoid the embarrassment of becoming a victim of dolphin rape:

Don’t get in the water.  Ever.

No matter how fun it sounds, don’t ever accept a ride from a dolphin.  “Hold on to my fin, it will be fun” is the oldest trick in the book.

For those of you that still want to get into the water despite the risk, I propose wearing “Team Rape” t-shirts as an effort to thwart and confuse.

If you’re anything like me, the only thing you’ll retain from this is the curiosity of what a dolphin boner looks like.  Here’s a picture:

http://bit.ly/4kb77v

Pandas are deadbeat dads that watch porn.

Pandas make terrible lovers.  In captivity, the chances of two pandas breeding successfully are slim, so zookeepers have resorted to “panda porn” to get them in the mood.  Because watching porn is normally thought of as a human activity, it makes me wonder if the porn pandas watch is just as ridiculous as ours . Do they have the same cheesy titles like, “Big Trouble in Little ‘Gina,” or “Bamboo Bukkake ?”

Does the male panda slap the female panda’s face with his panda dick to turn her on?

Apparently, pandas in the wild are douches.  The female panda plays hard to get by climbing up a tree and refuses to come down as an attempt to avoid the inevitable panda pounding she’s about to endure.

Much like the Jersey Shore, four or five male pandas gather around the tree to yell insults at her and grunt at each other.  The loudest, most obnoxious panda is the winner, causing the female to come out of the tree where she then boards the bang bus to pound town.  After mating, the male panda will claim that the cub isn’t his, and everyone on the block whispers that the baby looks suspiciously like the red panda up the street.  The mother is then left to raise the cub alone.

It’s also well known that panda dads almost never pay child support.

Life is a playground and I just want someone to play with…..

I know this video has been around a while, but I think it deserves another look. Thankfully, we’ve come a long way from having to make awkward dating videos to now creating awkward online profiles. Although there is some advantage in having the ability to see how creepy a potential suitor is via video rather than only being able to view an online persona. The mustached Lotharios did manage to hit upon one of my biggest pet peeves of the online dating world; stating that they like to have fun/they’re looking for someone that likes to have fun/they like to laugh. When I see this in a profile it makes me think that the person has zero imagination. To me, it’s the same as when I hear someone say they like to eat food. No shit. WHAT do you like to laugh about?! I too enjoy laughing and having fun, but If you don’t find abortion and dick jokes amusing, you think bumfights.com is offensive, and/or you laugh at comedians whose acts consist of using puppets or pretending they’re a retarded hillbilly, chances are we won’t get along.

Here are some other observations I made:

-Why is Fred dressed like a Viking, and did he wear that outfit on dates?
-The mustaches are impressive to say the least.
-The guy that said, “No Hamsters.” Wtf does that mean?!
-“Some big overgrown monster that’s always thinking about food.” I like that.
-Every guy not only looked like a serial killer, but I could easily imagine that I was instead watching a video where serial killers were interviewed about what kind of victims they prefer, and what they like to do to them: “I took a sponge ball, and was pulling it out of a little girls ear.”
-And finally, the guy that said “Hi Mom” stated this with the confidence that his mother would see the video. I really hope that it was because he knew his mother utilized the same dating service, and would stumble across her son’s video when she was trolling for cock.

-Donna Juanita